An Interview With God
Reporter: “Thank you for being here with us, Lord. It’s been more than 1400 years since your last book was published, and though it was a best-seller and still enjoys an extensive following, we have reason to believe that mankind’s getting a bit…to put it mildly…impatient. Can you explain the reason for such a long absence?”
God: (scoffs) “I created a perfect, universal book for them? How do I write a sequel to the most perfect book ever written?”
Reporter: “But why did you have it published in one language only? An ancient one at that? And why did you reveal it to a specific group of people instead of sending a copy to every region, in their own local language?”
God: “Why would I do that?”
Reporter: “Were you not aware of the fact that the entire universe does not understand Arabic? That it may get misinterpreted when it gets translated to other languages by imperfect humans? And it can’t possibly be universal when in fixates on Arabian tribes and their problems…their battles, their dates, camels and sands. How can, say, an Eskimo or an Amazonian tribesman relate to such a book?”
God: (Groans) “Must I do all the work! Hey, I wrote the best book of all time! Let these lazy humans handle the publishing and the translations! Let them explain to those frickin’ Eskimos what a camel is.” (sighs) “Man’s a sinner…has always been. How dare they question the ways of the very being who created them?”
Reporter: “Isn’t that an engineering flaw on your part, almighty? You granted them logic, clearly you were expecting them to notice sooner or later that some of your actions contradict your own words?”
God: “I don’t follow. Contradictions like what?”
Reporter: “You’ve repeatedly boasted about how you ordered genocides around the world from time to time, you constantly talk about slaying this…lashing that. And..whoa! This is interesting. At one point you actually sent a cataclysm that killed everybody in the world save for a chosen few! Isn’t that a tad extreme, even for you, great one? And on top of that, you issued a commandment telling us not to kill others?”
God: “The commandment is thou shall not kill…thou, not me. I’m God, I make rules, I don’t have to follow them. As for the flood, it was necessary. They just wouldn’t listen to me. They were all rotten to the core. Sexual depravity…refusal to worship me..those were decadent times, son. Decadent, I tell ya!”
Reporter: “What about all the babies? Infants? Kids playing in the streets when a flood came and washed them all away?
God: (Brief pause) “Umm…collateral damage?”
Reporter: (Raises an eyebrow) “I was expecting the omnipotent master of the entire universe to be a bit more…precise. This is the kind of a mistake we expect from, say, a US general leading an ill-advised attack on a certain region in Iraq…not from God Almighty!”
God: How dare you?! Hey, I gave them life! I can damn well take it away. Hell with you and your babies!
Reporter: “Err..sorry I’ve upset you.”
God: (takes a deep breath) It’s quite alright. I’m just in a bad mood today. I just found out that in a certain planet of a certain star of a certain galaxy, a certain member of a certain species forgot to praise my name today. So I’m feeling kinda pissed over here.”
Reporter: “Why does that matter to you? You’re the God here! Why do you want them to praise you and remind you of your greatness?”
God: (Eyes well up) “I created these sorry little ingrates, okay? I created them outta water and..”
Reporter: “Actually, it says here you created them from mud..”
God: “Whatever! The point is they don’t even worship me anymore! How do you think that makes me feel? To not be loved? (bursts into tears)
Reporter: (offers a handkerchief) Must be hard.
God: “I mean, I knew it was all a mistake the moment Adam…” (bangs fist on the desk)
Reporter: “Ah, I see where this is going.”
God: “I specifically told that imbecile not to eat my special apple! And guess what! He eats it!“
Reporter: “Wasn’t that, like, millions of years ago? You really aren’t letting it go, are you?”
God: “Did I not mention it was a very special apple?”
Reporter: (puts her hand over her earphone , goes pale) “I just received some distressing news from South-East Asia. It seems that a series of flash floods are killing thousands in Pakistan.”
God: (Yawns) “Yeah. I was being bored to death by your lame interview.”
Reporter: “We’re receiving images and footage from…oh my! Entire cities have been washed away! More expected to die from water-borne diseases!”
God: (unmoved) So?
Reporter: Why would you do such a horrible thing to beings you so dearly love?
God: For several reasons (clears throat). Many among them are worthy of my wrath…you know..azaab.”
Reporter: What about the children?
God: (eyes roll) What is it with you and your obsession with kids? They live, they die! Besides, I’m testing those Pakistanis.
Reporter: “Appears to me that you’re more interested in a researcher-guinea pig relationship than a loving relation between Creator and creation.”
God: “Yeah…but..okay, did I not mention that I created them and I can do whatever I want with them?”
Reporter: “But you’re the master of all knowledge! You know everything that’s going to happen in the future! What’s the point of testing humans if you already know how they’re going to react? What’s the point of putting them through all this misery?”
God: “Uh..well…to confirm the accuracy of my predictions? I mean, I know they’re accurate, but it’s better to actually watch it happen, you know.”
Reporter: (scratches head)
God: Forget it. Your mind is too limited. You wouldn’t understand my ways. This interview is over.” (Turns invisible once more)
Reporter: (calls her crew) It’s a wrap. Let’s get the heck out of here before it starts raining brimstone again.