Posts Tagged ‘ blasphemy ’

Random Offensive Idea #2

17/4/13. 5:19 pm Random-offensive-idea-that-I’m-not-proud-of-but-makes-sense

In the spirit of equality, Islamic nations must implement death penalty for insult to Charles Darwin, Huxley, Dawkins and other atheist heroes, as a way of protecting atheists from being gravely offended. This shall be in acknowledgment of the fact that religious people do not have All Rights Reserved to being offended.

Furthermore, a Belieber bill must be passed to protect the sentiments of Justin Bieber fans by immunizing him from serious insult.

Should the above propositions be denied, a ‘Grow The Fuck Up’ bill must be introduced to the floor, which calls for the government to be relieved of the responsibility of safeguarding the sentiments of emotionally unstable citizens.

Inspiration: Turkish pianist convicted of blasphemy


Note: The author neither attempts to implement, nor endorses the implementation of a ‘Random Offensive Idea’. These dramatic/violent posts are purely satirical in nature.


Woman in Black #2

Woman in Black #2

YouTube ban unlikely to be lifted in Pakistan:

The 11-year old blasphemer

Apparently, the glory of Islam has been threatened by an 11-year old girl with Down’s Syndrome.

A Christian girl has been jailed by the police, under intense pressure from the locals, for allegedly burning pages of the Noorani Qaida. She was severely beaten up, along with her mother and sister. Some homes of local Christian residents were burned, and the Christian population has left the area.

You think this is just satire? No, this is a real report. This comes just a few weeks after a psychiatric patient was brutally tortured and burned alive by a mob in Bahawalpur for, guess what, blasphemy.

So here’s the situation. The Hindus are leaving Pakistan in droves. Christians are being jailed and killed. Ahmadis and Shias are being slaughtered. Women are being abused, raped and paraded around the streets naked. And atheists and agnostics..well, they don’t even exist (Shhh!).

We are a country made exclusively for circumcised dicks. Not penises, dicks. Which means that if you’re a non-Muslim or a woman, tough luck. Minorities who dare strive for equal rights are often shooed away with the retort, “This is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. Only Islamic rules will apply here!”

Oh, our bad! We should’ve chosen to be born in a secular country instead. Silly us! Now we must shut up and pay the penalty for being the non-Islamic citizens inhabitants of an Islamic Republic.

Today, I’m more frightened and exhausted than I have ever been in years.

I’m tired of gambling with my life every time I speak up against the unending, and largely ignored, injustices against this country’s minorities. We’re not being threatened by a handful of fanatics. It’s never a single crazed person who attacks Pakistani Christians or shias or Ahmadis. It’s always mobs. Always well-funded organizations that seem to be invisible to the authorities, even when operating in broad daylight. The constitution itself is against us.

I simply do not have the energy to tie this post up in a funny or thought-provoking way.

Gods that are made of Glass

I’m not a Hindu, nor do I have any real admiration for the philosophies of Vedanta. There is one story, however, that I’m quite fond of.

Swami Vivekananda during his journey through Kashmir, described as the “Earthly paradise”, came across a number of temples burnt to the ground by invaders. Countless images of the gods and goddesses, and other sacred relics, forever lost. It was at the temple of the Divine Mother Kali, that he fell down on his knees, overwhelmed by anguish. Anguish over his inability to prevent such desecration, and confusion over how the Goddess had allowed this sacrilege.

The Divine Mother Herself appeared before him and whispered, “Why does it it worry you, Vivekananda, if the invaders break my images? Do you protect me or do I protect you?”

In recent years, this story has gained immense popularity due to its relevancy to the raging debate on how to deal with blasphemers. I do not expect practising Muslims to be easily swayed by Hindu philosophies, but I do hope they’d  meditate on the message it bears. Continue reading

No Country For Sane Men

Kohsar market seems to be flickering back to life, but an unmistakable aura of dread and apprehension persists. This was the site of the tragic assassination that took place on the 4th of January. I visited the market yesterday, and it is no longer the place I recall. According to an employee at the Gloria Jeans cafe, the shop has lost much of its business since the attack. Many important customers (including Shereen Rehman, or so he claimed) haven’t returned since.

The moderate voices are being drowned by the cacophony of religious hate-mongers. It seems that the mullahpocalypse is finally upon us, and it’s a threat possibly greater than anything we’ve ever faced…and this is coming from a nation that has recently had three-fifths of its surface inundated by floods. We’re heading for a point where Qadris of this country are going to start shooting teenagers for playing loud music in public, and the Pakistani masses, being the Einsteins that they are, will applaud the killings because the teenagers had been “openly defying Allah’s law”. They will not use their brains to figure out whether the punishment fits the crime..or if a punishment is even prescribed! They’ll just nod mindlessly.

The support for the killer remains strong. And I’m not talking about a small group of ignoramuses, but a clear majority of the Pakistani public that is treating the killer as a hero. Ghazi, is what they’re calling him. This shows that Qadri was only the tip of the iceberg. The dagger of Islamism has penetrated way deeper into this country’s bosom.

On the 12th of January, a Christian woman and her mother were brutally beaten by an aashiq-e-rasool mob that broke into their home, on charges of blasphemy. And what evidence did they possess to prove such an allegation? The word of a Muslim wench who had had a dispute with the Christian woman earlier that day.

Verily, when it comes to religion, all logic and all sense of right and wrong quickly fly out of the window. This incident proves what neo-Atheists have been harping about all along: it’s not the fault of people, but the ideology that corrupts these people to the core.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We recognize cigarette smoking as hazardous to health not because of its ability to induce lung cancer in all of its users, but by raising the incidence of cancer to a level much higher than what is normal. That’s religion in a nutshell. The more educated and good-hearted people shall continue to resist the poison being injected into their veins by the holy writ, but the rest will keep succumbing to the hate that it propagates under the guise of virtue.

That’s precisely the picture we see today: a nation of blind Quran-thumpers who fail to see anything wrong with the death of a man who was merely questioning a certain law of the land. They fail to recognize that this country is home not only to them and their kin, but also to non-Muslims who deserve to have their say. They have a right to question the law they’re supposed to live under.

So Islamists, you’re free to keep punishing people for blasphemy and apostasy and adultery and motor-boating (or whatever it is that you people feel the need to shed blood over), but then fully expect your ideology to be treated by the civilized world as a religion of barbarians and hooligans. Those who readily kill their fellow men over religion, yet raise a ruckus over burning paper deserve no respect.

It’s time for the liberals of this land to prepare for a mass exodus to a country, any country, where the worth of a man is not measured by the length of his beard, but by his ability to think differently; to a world where diversity of opinion is admired and not discouraged; where the sanity of its inhabitants has not been completely eclipsed by an ancient constitution written in blood…

..and leave this sinking ship at the mercy of social Darwinism.

Freedom of Speech: "Leave Brittany Alone" Conundrum

This is a short play intended to explain the concept of free speech, and how it’s irrational to ban people from saying certain things because they “deeply offend” a specific group of people.


(An angry Muslim appears in front a judge)

Muslim: Your honor, I’ve had enough. I’m tired of these blasphemous fools making a mockery of my faith all the time! I’d like you to help pass a new law that forbids people from using derogatory remarks against religious personalities.

Judge: Why should I do that?

Muslim: Because the things these people say are extremely offensive to me and my people! We love our Prophet (PBUH) more than we love our parents…our brothers and sisters…our own lives! Freedom of speech does not mean that people go around uttering obscenities against a figure held sacred by over 1.6 billion Muslims around the world! We don’t deserve this kind of harassment! I implore you to help protect our sentiments.

Judge: make an excellent case. I’ll see what I can do.

(A few months later, an anti-blasphemy law is passed, making blasphemy against Allah or His Prophet punishable by death. A Hindu comes to the judge)

Hindu: Sir, this is an outrage! You have immunized the Muslims, but what about us? Who shall protect the non-Muslims from blasphemy against their respective faiths? How come Muslims keep sending sms jokes about our beloved gods like Kali Maa and Hanuman, but the moment one of us shows even the slightest bit of disrespect for Muhammad, we get dragged off to court or have a fatwa issued against us by the dominant Islamic clerics?”

Judge: Fair enough! I’ll make sure that the anti-blasphemy law is extended to cover all religions.

Hindu: Including Scientology?

Judge: What?!

Hindu: Your honor, that has got the most frequently abused religion in the world!

Judge: Okay! Okay! Henceforth, nobody’s allowed to make fun of the Galactic Confederacy, as well as any other religion.

(Law is successfully amended to immunize all religions. Chris Crocker now barges into the judge’s office, sobbing uncontrollably)


Judge: What is the meaning of this? Ma’am, I’m going to hold you in contempt of court, if you don’t lower your voice right now!

Chris: How f***ing dare anyone of you make fun of Brittany Spears!  She lost her aunt! She went through a divorce! She..

Judge: I’m sorry to hear that, but do you want from me?

Chris: (wipes his tears with his sleeve) It offends me deeply when these bastards make fun of Brittany! I love Brittany! She’s my idol. There’s nobody in the world I respect more than her! And to think of all these f****d up things people say about her…it just…(burst into tears again).

Judge: Okay, so?

Chris: I want you to ban people from making fun of Brittany! I mean it!

Judge: (gasps) Nonsense! Why would I do that?

Chris: Because it hurts my sentiments! And the sentiments of all hardcore Brittany fans out there! I want you to put a stop to this harassment! You did the same for the religious whiners! Why not for us?

Judge: Hurting religious sentiments is not the same as hurting sentiments of a pop artist’s fans!

Chris: How the hell do you know that?! How do you know who is offended more by what? Did you climb inside their heads and see how much they’ve been “hurt” on the inside? As far as you can tell, I’ve been hurt by insult to Britanny more than the Muslims have been hurt by insult to their Prophet!

Judge: Well, yes…but, see…look there are billions of religious people out there! And the pain caused by derogatory remarks against religious personalities is shared by ALL these people! So that’s a much bigger issue than yours.

Chris: Wait, let me get this straight. You’re saying that because there are more religious people in the world than non-religious ones, so the majority’s gonna have its sentiments protected by the government while the minorities can go f**k themselves? Just because we die-hard Britanny fans are a smaller group than the religious people, means that we will not be protected from having our feelings hurt, but they will? You call that justice?!

Judge: No, that’s not what I…it’s just that…what you’re demanding is just so damn ridiculous!

Chris: It may seem ridiculous to you, but it isn’t to me! Dude, you have no idea how much it hurts me when people make fun of poor, poor Brittany. Listen to me! Either you grant us all, religious AND non-religious, immunity against having our feelings hurt, by whatever cause that may be..

Judge: That’s not possible! That would mean the end of free-speech! Nobody will be able to criticize anything or anybody! Because everybody is offended deeply by something in the world! Anybody can claim that he or she is having his or her sentiments hurt by something and try to get that thing banned. (exhales) You know what, I’m having this law revoked.

Chris: What? No, don’t that! Let the blasphemy law stay, but extend it to include Brittany! I love her so much! Please respect my feelings! Why would you allow something that causes me so much mental pain?

Judge: Because through this whole “protecting of sentiments” crap, we’ll just end up immunizing the majority which has the greater volume, and leave the non-religious minorities with the lesser volume completely open to insult and ridicule. When it comes to free speech, either all of it is okay, or none of it is. Because when we pick out one group and pass a law to protect it from having its feelings hurt, then we would have to do the same for everybody else to maintain justice. And that would simply be impossible!

(Blasphemy law gets repealed. New law introduced. Section 295-X: Citizens shall be encouraged to grow thicker skin and get real)

Farewell, Salman Taseer

This is an unorthodox eulogy to Salman Taseer, and Jinnah’s dream of a secular nation that shall be buried along with him.

I’ll refrain from commenting on the governor’s history. Whether he had made too many mistakes, or was simply misunderstood, shall be divulged at a later time when it wouldn’t come off as overly callous. What’s heart-wrenching is that he was killed for something that he did right. He followed his conscience, which evidently in this country, leaves you with with 22 bullets lodged in your body.

When I heard the news, I was half-expecting Taseer’s death, however tragic, to leave the finest of silver linings: a wake-up call for ignorant, fanatical Muslims (a class that now constitutes an overwhelming majority of Pakistanis) – to help them see that this phony war against blasphemers has been taken too far.

Alas, that never happened. In fact, Taseer’s death revealed the true face of Pakistan, and it is a sepulchral one. We are no longer beset by extremists – we ARE extremists. In the last seven hours, I’ve seen hordes of human cockroaches (if I may borrow the term from one of Fasi Zaka’s popular articles, which has earned even more credence in the light of the recent tragedy) celebrating the death of our country’s top government official, claiming that he got what he deserved.

I won’t argue Islam here. But I will stand for a Pakistanis right to contest a constitution that governs him. That’s what Salman Taseer did. Muslims have deluded themselves into thinking that they have all rights reserved to the state constitution and that no one should be allowed to question it, let alone change it. Muslims believe that they have a divine license to shove their beliefs down other people’s throats, whether they like it or not.

So allow me to make use of a certain word that Muslims blame the West for crying out unjustly and way too often. I’m afraid this word fits perfectly here..


We’ve become a nation of coward Islamofascists, who’d much sooner shed a fellow human’s blood than to acknowledge that he has just as much right to speak out as we do – for he’s a man just as Pakistani as we are. Many readers may object to my choice of words in this case, for they would like to remain segregated from reality, trying to convince themselves that this was a one-bad-apple scenario. And that my use of the term “nation” is unfair generalization.

But I see what I see. What I and many fellow rationalists view as a horrific assassination, most of the Pakistani public views as a justifiable assault. I find myself being bombarded with jovial messages about how a “courageous slave of Muhammad has killed a blasphemer”. I see similar reactions on the internet. What’s worse is that these people are the educated class of our country – engineers, medical students, business students – and not some witless hicks living in far-off countrysides.

Taseer never committed blasphemy. He never even succeeded in revoking the blasphemy law. He merely proposed an amendment to it. What gives him the right to do so? Quite simply, his Pakistani nationality.

It is only those who are wrong and tainted, who fight so fiercely to keep people from conducting inquiries and asking questions. Those who have confidence in their purity, never shrink away from criticism. The ones who fear that open discussion may lead to unwanted divulgement of filthy secrets, are the ones who struggle to keep the freethinkers silent by threatening them with bogus charges of “blasphemy”.

Fight words with words. That is, of course, unless you’re certain that your words will not be able to hold their ground in the court of logic and be admonished by human conscience. In that case, grab a gun and do what the “religion of peace” expects you to do…